Having a Rough Time

I haven't blogged in a while. My life is busy and miserable right now. I feel like all I do is run around from one appointment to another. I go to therapy twice a week. Then I got to physical therapy twice a week. I go to the psychiatrist once a month (but this past month, I went twice). I see my primary care physician at least once a month and sometimes more. So I do all these appointments and then try to fit my friends into my life. I need this social time to keep my sane.

Right now though, I don't even know if I want to be social. I'm kind of pulling away. Like right now instead of being out in the living room with my brother, I am in my room.

I am so miserable. I had nightmares last night. I had one of my worst ever. Actually, I have been having lots of nightmares. I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm having tons of flashbacks. I'm having panic attacks, where I really freak out. I get into these moments when I am so upset and depressed that I end up feeling very suicidal. Sometimes making plans on how to do it so that no one will find me in time to save me. It's scary. Thankfully, I've always felt better before the planned time to do it.

I've been talking to my therapist about this. He wants me to go into the hospital. I don't know if I have any insurance to cover that hospital, since its private psych and I have used up all of my days.

I hate the Fibromyalgia. It makes me miserable. The medication I am taking now, Nuerontin, seems to be helping some. I just need to learn to balance things. I can't do as much as I used to and I need to remember that. But with all the medications and vitamins I am on, I am so constipated. I hate it. I am either constipated of pooing all of the time because of taking medications to make me stop being constipated. It's all just so miserable. I hate it.

I just want thinks to get better. I may listen to my therapist and go into the hospital because things are getting pretty bad.

FML

This life doesn't seem worth living.

I keep trying to do stuff to make my life better, but instead it just seems to get worse and worse. When will I ever catch a fucking break?

I lived through all of that sexual abuse, then I lived through physical and emotional abuse. Then I lived through years of hellish flashbacks and many other PTSD symptoms. At times, those symptoms are still present, just not like they used to be.

Now, I am always sick. I got my Gastric Bypass Surgery so that I could be healthier and now I am not unhealthy then ever. I have issues with eating. Everything seems to make me sick, when I actually feel like eating.

I have fucking Fibromyalgia. I hate it. I hate living in pain and not really living my life. I can't go out with friends often, because I have to limit what I can do. I can't keep up with them anymore. I'm always so tired.

I have gotten to where I can be around guys and date. I am finally comfortable around them. But I just keep getting hurt. I do stuff with my whole heart, and when they don't, it just comes back to bite me in the ass. I give sex to easily and end up hurt. I can't seem to find that right guy. I should just give up on dating because my heart cannot take anymore.

I hate my fucking life. Suicide is seeming like a better option, each and every day.

I will have to talk to my therapist about this. I hate being this miserable.