I haven't blogged in a while. My life is busy and miserable right now. I feel like all I do is run around from one appointment to another. I go to therapy twice a week. Then I got to physical therapy twice a week. I go to the psychiatrist once a month (but this past month, I went twice). I see my primary care physician at least once a month and sometimes more. So I do all these appointments and then try to fit my friends into my life. I need this social time to keep my sane.
Right now though, I don't even know if I want to be social. I'm kind of pulling away. Like right now instead of being out in the living room with my brother, I am in my room.
I am so miserable. I had nightmares last night. I had one of my worst ever. Actually, I have been having lots of nightmares. I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm having tons of flashbacks. I'm having panic attacks, where I really freak out. I get into these moments when I am so upset and depressed that I end up feeling very suicidal. Sometimes making plans on how to do it so that no one will find me in time to save me. It's scary. Thankfully, I've always felt better before the planned time to do it.
I've been talking to my therapist about this. He wants me to go into the hospital. I don't know if I have any insurance to cover that hospital, since its private psych and I have used up all of my days.
I hate the Fibromyalgia. It makes me miserable. The medication I am taking now, Nuerontin, seems to be helping some. I just need to learn to balance things. I can't do as much as I used to and I need to remember that. But with all the medications and vitamins I am on, I am so constipated. I hate it. I am either constipated of pooing all of the time because of taking medications to make me stop being constipated. It's all just so miserable. I hate it.
I just want thinks to get better. I may listen to my therapist and go into the hospital because things are getting pretty bad.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
FML
This life doesn't seem worth living.
I keep trying to do stuff to make my life better, but instead it just seems to get worse and worse. When will I ever catch a fucking break?
I lived through all of that sexual abuse, then I lived through physical and emotional abuse. Then I lived through years of hellish flashbacks and many other PTSD symptoms. At times, those symptoms are still present, just not like they used to be.
Now, I am always sick. I got my Gastric Bypass Surgery so that I could be healthier and now I am not unhealthy then ever. I have issues with eating. Everything seems to make me sick, when I actually feel like eating.
I have fucking Fibromyalgia. I hate it. I hate living in pain and not really living my life. I can't go out with friends often, because I have to limit what I can do. I can't keep up with them anymore. I'm always so tired.
I have gotten to where I can be around guys and date. I am finally comfortable around them. But I just keep getting hurt. I do stuff with my whole heart, and when they don't, it just comes back to bite me in the ass. I give sex to easily and end up hurt. I can't seem to find that right guy. I should just give up on dating because my heart cannot take anymore.
I hate my fucking life. Suicide is seeming like a better option, each and every day.
I will have to talk to my therapist about this. I hate being this miserable.
I keep trying to do stuff to make my life better, but instead it just seems to get worse and worse. When will I ever catch a fucking break?
I lived through all of that sexual abuse, then I lived through physical and emotional abuse. Then I lived through years of hellish flashbacks and many other PTSD symptoms. At times, those symptoms are still present, just not like they used to be.
Now, I am always sick. I got my Gastric Bypass Surgery so that I could be healthier and now I am not unhealthy then ever. I have issues with eating. Everything seems to make me sick, when I actually feel like eating.
I have fucking Fibromyalgia. I hate it. I hate living in pain and not really living my life. I can't go out with friends often, because I have to limit what I can do. I can't keep up with them anymore. I'm always so tired.
I have gotten to where I can be around guys and date. I am finally comfortable around them. But I just keep getting hurt. I do stuff with my whole heart, and when they don't, it just comes back to bite me in the ass. I give sex to easily and end up hurt. I can't seem to find that right guy. I should just give up on dating because my heart cannot take anymore.
I hate my fucking life. Suicide is seeming like a better option, each and every day.
I will have to talk to my therapist about this. I hate being this miserable.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Walk a Day in My Shoes
Back in March, I was shopping with my father after a nine hour day working as a nanny... not exactly easy. All I wanted to do was go home and rest, not to the grocery store. But, I went anyway and went in. This was the beginning of all my pain. I had pain before, but not this bad. I had told him that I was tired and wanted to go home while we were checking out. Well this started a huge fight. He told me that I was 25 years-old and shouldn't be tired. I said, well I hurt and I am tired. He told me that he was tired of hearing me say that. He couldn't understand why a perfectly healthy looking 25 year-old would complain of such pain and fatigue.
Then I started going to doctor after doctor and took trip after trip to the ER. I went to physical therapy religiously. My back was killing me and no were my knees. But nothing helped. Physical therapy hurt some, but not enough. I even tried getting spine injections. I was miserable.
Then one day, I decided not to go to the local ER but to go closer to the city to go to another ER. This time was different. While the doctor said she couldn't really do anything else, but patch me up and send me on my way with another prescription, she did give me some advice. She told me to get all of my medical records together, especially any diagnostic testing, and take them with me to any doctor I went to from now on. She said to get checked out by my Urologist and Gynecologist. She also said to see an Orthopedic Doctor, a Rheumatologist, and a Neurologist. She said I should get checked out for Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Multiple Sclerosis, and Lupus. She said that most likely it would be Fibromyalgia or Rheumatoid Arthritis. So I went to see a Rheumatologist and was officially diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.
After that, my dad became more sympathetic, but still it's hard for him or any other members of my family to handle. My mother makes rude remarks all the time. My father gets frustrated with me. M makes jokes. One day, I finally told him that it just wasn't funny anymore. Being in constant pain, just isn't funny.
Despite having a diagnosis, the ones that I would think would understand the most, just don't. It's hard to live with. It's hard to be in pain and hard that no one understand and wants me to do more when I just can't. It's hard that I want to work, but can't. It's hard that I can't always do social activities that I want to do.
I have hopes that this will improve. I have hopes that I will find some relief and that I will be able to do more. I have hopes that I will learn how to balance activity and rest. I have hopes that I will learn not to over do it when I do feel well... and I really hope that I will learn this soon because I think it is really setting me back. I mean, I know this, but yet I don't. I also have hopes that my family will come to some understanding and not be so frustrated with me.
If they think that they are frustrated, they should just try to imagine what it is like for me.
If only they could walk a day in my shoes.
Then I started going to doctor after doctor and took trip after trip to the ER. I went to physical therapy religiously. My back was killing me and no were my knees. But nothing helped. Physical therapy hurt some, but not enough. I even tried getting spine injections. I was miserable.
Then one day, I decided not to go to the local ER but to go closer to the city to go to another ER. This time was different. While the doctor said she couldn't really do anything else, but patch me up and send me on my way with another prescription, she did give me some advice. She told me to get all of my medical records together, especially any diagnostic testing, and take them with me to any doctor I went to from now on. She said to get checked out by my Urologist and Gynecologist. She also said to see an Orthopedic Doctor, a Rheumatologist, and a Neurologist. She said I should get checked out for Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Multiple Sclerosis, and Lupus. She said that most likely it would be Fibromyalgia or Rheumatoid Arthritis. So I went to see a Rheumatologist and was officially diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.
After that, my dad became more sympathetic, but still it's hard for him or any other members of my family to handle. My mother makes rude remarks all the time. My father gets frustrated with me. M makes jokes. One day, I finally told him that it just wasn't funny anymore. Being in constant pain, just isn't funny.
Despite having a diagnosis, the ones that I would think would understand the most, just don't. It's hard to live with. It's hard to be in pain and hard that no one understand and wants me to do more when I just can't. It's hard that I want to work, but can't. It's hard that I can't always do social activities that I want to do.
I have hopes that this will improve. I have hopes that I will find some relief and that I will be able to do more. I have hopes that I will learn how to balance activity and rest. I have hopes that I will learn not to over do it when I do feel well... and I really hope that I will learn this soon because I think it is really setting me back. I mean, I know this, but yet I don't. I also have hopes that my family will come to some understanding and not be so frustrated with me.
If they think that they are frustrated, they should just try to imagine what it is like for me.
If only they could walk a day in my shoes.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
That Burns
I was having a really bad day today and was in incredible pain.
I am finding it hard to eat "real" food and everything was turning my stomach. I finally decided on some Campbell's condensed chicken noodle soup. I only eat that stuff when I am miserable.
Well I managed to cook it on the stove top despite my pain. Then I came in the living room and sat down to eat it. I had about two spoons of the broth when I spilled it all over my stomach. It burned and hurt me so much that I screamed and screamed. I think my family thought I was dying.
I threw the bowl on the floor and jumped up and took my clothes off right in the living room. I had to get that hot stuff off of me. My brother told me to go into the shower and let the cold water run over me. That really helped.
Then I got on clothes that I thought were the most comfortable and and went to an urgent care center to get checked out. I took an ice pack with me to hold on my stomach.
The doctor said the care that I did before getting there prevented the huge burn from blistering. It also reduced the size. It was covering my stomach and now it's just a small spot. She prescribed me some cream to put on it.
Normally they give this burn cream to patients with burns, but I am allergic to one of the main ingredients: Sulfa.
It was a crazy day, but I survived. I just didn't need this on top of everything else I'm dealing with. But with that in mind, the pain from the burn seemed to distract me from the horrible pains I was having in my legs.
I am finding it hard to eat "real" food and everything was turning my stomach. I finally decided on some Campbell's condensed chicken noodle soup. I only eat that stuff when I am miserable.
Well I managed to cook it on the stove top despite my pain. Then I came in the living room and sat down to eat it. I had about two spoons of the broth when I spilled it all over my stomach. It burned and hurt me so much that I screamed and screamed. I think my family thought I was dying.
I threw the bowl on the floor and jumped up and took my clothes off right in the living room. I had to get that hot stuff off of me. My brother told me to go into the shower and let the cold water run over me. That really helped.
Then I got on clothes that I thought were the most comfortable and and went to an urgent care center to get checked out. I took an ice pack with me to hold on my stomach.
The doctor said the care that I did before getting there prevented the huge burn from blistering. It also reduced the size. It was covering my stomach and now it's just a small spot. She prescribed me some cream to put on it.
Normally they give this burn cream to patients with burns, but I am allergic to one of the main ingredients: Sulfa.
It was a crazy day, but I survived. I just didn't need this on top of everything else I'm dealing with. But with that in mind, the pain from the burn seemed to distract me from the horrible pains I was having in my legs.
Dating!
So last night I met this guy off of one of my dating sites. I met that guy last weekend, but he doesn't seem interested anymore and we weren't dating, so I figure I would go meet this guy.
His name is Z and he is pretty awesome. When we were texting we really seemed to click and we clicked even more in person. So far, so good. He seems to be a really great guy. On Friday he is taking me on a date. I have never really been taken on a date. The last guys that I dated never really took me anywhere, so this is exciting. We are going to do dinner and a movie. I'm looking forward to it.
With all the bad that I have been going through, this makes me smile. :-)
His name is Z and he is pretty awesome. When we were texting we really seemed to click and we clicked even more in person. So far, so good. He seems to be a really great guy. On Friday he is taking me on a date. I have never really been taken on a date. The last guys that I dated never really took me anywhere, so this is exciting. We are going to do dinner and a movie. I'm looking forward to it.
With all the bad that I have been going through, this makes me smile. :-)
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Pain and Fear
Yesterday turned out to be a good and bad day. I was feeling well in the morning and decided that I would work on driving. So I drove the thirty mile trip to my therapy appointment. I am still learning to drive, so it was stressful. During the drive, the stress was getting to me and body was really tense, so I ended up being in lots of pain. I am still proud of myself for driving that far.
After therapy, my dad drove home. Then I tried to rest and get out of some pain, but that didn't happen.
I went to physical therapy where they tried so much to help me feel better. But it just wasn't happening. My pain was just too much. I ended up crying and had to go to the bathroom to cry and try to hide it. I think they knew though. Ugh.
I'm so miserable sometimes. I just want to be able to lead a normal life. I haven't worked in months and am really struggling financially. And I'm bored. I liked working. It was fun. I worked as a nanny. I love kids and being around them.
I worry that my dreams won't come true. My biggest dream ever, is to be a wife and mother. I hope that that will happen, but I fear that it won't. I will try so hard to make it happen. I want it so badly. I want a family to love and nurture.
After therapy, my dad drove home. Then I tried to rest and get out of some pain, but that didn't happen.
I went to physical therapy where they tried so much to help me feel better. But it just wasn't happening. My pain was just too much. I ended up crying and had to go to the bathroom to cry and try to hide it. I think they knew though. Ugh.
I'm so miserable sometimes. I just want to be able to lead a normal life. I haven't worked in months and am really struggling financially. And I'm bored. I liked working. It was fun. I worked as a nanny. I love kids and being around them.
I worry that my dreams won't come true. My biggest dream ever, is to be a wife and mother. I hope that that will happen, but I fear that it won't. I will try so hard to make it happen. I want it so badly. I want a family to love and nurture.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Up Early
Today I am up early. I've been awake since a little have 4:30am. I tried to get back to sleep but it just wasn't happening. I'm not too upset about that. My pain isn't bad and I had good thoughts on my mind. I was thinking about the guy that I went to meet on Saturday. I really like him. He seems different than the other guys that I have dated. I find myself thinking about him a lot. I really want to get to know him and see what more there is to him because what I saw on Saturday was simply amazing.
Maybe more to come later today... maybe not. I will just have to see how the day does.
Maybe more to come later today... maybe not. I will just have to see how the day does.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Control
Today was a better day. I was still really tired and in pain, but not as much as yesterday. I went to physical therapy and was feeling better. For some reason, the feelings for my physical therapist seemed to have disappeared. I mean, I still like him and want to go there... Not because of a crush, but because he has really helped me. On days when I am feeling especially bad, he will spend extra time working with me. He really is very good at his job.
After physical therapy, I came home and was trying to rest and take a nap, but my ex kept texting me. I kind of told him that I didn't want to be with him yesterday. Then today I told him that I would. Then tonight I said no again. It wasn't really me. It was a part (24). From what I get, it is about control over sex. In the past, we never had control over the sexual abuse that we went through and she was put into a situation that she didn't want to be in and had no control. I think she wanted to control him. Not like hurt him. But like have control over the relationship. He would beg to be with me again and she would keep him going and then let him down. It was weird. Sometimes having DID is so confusing. I want to meet one guy, and my parts have other plans of meeting other guys. We all really need to get on the same page.
This evening my friends came over. I totally forget they were coming until my one friend called to say he was on his way. This Fibromyalgia really has me in the fibro fog. I forget everything. I can be in the middle of doing something and forget what I am doing or be in the middle of a conversation and suddenly have no ides what I am talking about. I have done this more than once: forgotten that my friend(s) were coming over until they called to let me know they were on their way. I have no idea what to do about this because sometimes I want so much to see them, but other times, I am just so tired and hurting that I can't function, never mind hang out with friends, even if it is just sitting in my living room chatting, watching TV/movies or playing games. Its hard. I have a hard time sending my friends away when I feel too sick to be around them.
I am also having a difficult time finding a balance. I am unable to say no to some things even though I am learning that they will exhaust me and that I will pay for it later than day or tomorrow.
This pain is too much. Last night I had another hard moment where I didn't want to be here. Suicide was all I could think about. I had to take a PRN and really focus on relaxing until I finally drifted off to sleep. I thought that my self confidence was improving, but since I have been dealing with this pain, I feel like it is getting worse. I think so badly about myself at times. I get so miserable. I want to stay positive but it is hard.
I think of my future and I wonder: How will I get married and have kids? If I did have kids, how would I keep up with them? Will I ever be well enough to work again? Will life stop being so isolating due to the pain? It's hard. I have all of these questions and no definitive answer. I hate this. I have no control. No control at all. I thrived on the idea that as being an adult, I would have control over my life. I could chose the good and be able to get myself out of bad situations and protect myself. But, I have no control over this. I cannot protect myself against this pain. If it comes, it comes. It fucking sucks.
After physical therapy, I came home and was trying to rest and take a nap, but my ex kept texting me. I kind of told him that I didn't want to be with him yesterday. Then today I told him that I would. Then tonight I said no again. It wasn't really me. It was a part (24). From what I get, it is about control over sex. In the past, we never had control over the sexual abuse that we went through and she was put into a situation that she didn't want to be in and had no control. I think she wanted to control him. Not like hurt him. But like have control over the relationship. He would beg to be with me again and she would keep him going and then let him down. It was weird. Sometimes having DID is so confusing. I want to meet one guy, and my parts have other plans of meeting other guys. We all really need to get on the same page.
This evening my friends came over. I totally forget they were coming until my one friend called to say he was on his way. This Fibromyalgia really has me in the fibro fog. I forget everything. I can be in the middle of doing something and forget what I am doing or be in the middle of a conversation and suddenly have no ides what I am talking about. I have done this more than once: forgotten that my friend(s) were coming over until they called to let me know they were on their way. I have no idea what to do about this because sometimes I want so much to see them, but other times, I am just so tired and hurting that I can't function, never mind hang out with friends, even if it is just sitting in my living room chatting, watching TV/movies or playing games. Its hard. I have a hard time sending my friends away when I feel too sick to be around them.
I am also having a difficult time finding a balance. I am unable to say no to some things even though I am learning that they will exhaust me and that I will pay for it later than day or tomorrow.
This pain is too much. Last night I had another hard moment where I didn't want to be here. Suicide was all I could think about. I had to take a PRN and really focus on relaxing until I finally drifted off to sleep. I thought that my self confidence was improving, but since I have been dealing with this pain, I feel like it is getting worse. I think so badly about myself at times. I get so miserable. I want to stay positive but it is hard.
I think of my future and I wonder: How will I get married and have kids? If I did have kids, how would I keep up with them? Will I ever be well enough to work again? Will life stop being so isolating due to the pain? It's hard. I have all of these questions and no definitive answer. I hate this. I have no control. No control at all. I thrived on the idea that as being an adult, I would have control over my life. I could chose the good and be able to get myself out of bad situations and protect myself. But, I have no control over this. I cannot protect myself against this pain. If it comes, it comes. It fucking sucks.
New Medications and The Last Few Days
I saw my PCP on Thursday and was able to start some new medications to my already large list. I have the feeling that it will only be getting longer. My PCP started me on Nuerontin 300 mg three times a day. It already seems to be helping some. I starting taking this on Thursday afternoon and by Friday, I was feeling a bit better with more energy.
On Friday, I saw my Psychiatrist. She prescribed Flexeril 10mg for sleep. Hopefully it will help me to get some rest since it is a muscle relaxer and also because it has drowsy side effects.
Friday afternoon and evening I hung out with a friend. We had fun just hanging out and talking and not really doing much of anything. The thing about this is, I haven't really had the energy to just hang out in a while. It was nice to be able to hang out and not have to end early because I wasn't feeling well.
On Saturday, I went to meet this guy that I have been chatting with from a dating site. He is really nice and it was awesome to spend some time with him. I am hoping to get to know him better, but I'm not sure about that. He texted me some more on Saturday saying how much he enjoyed spending time with me and wanted to get to know me more, but yesterday, he didn't seem at all interested in texting with me. I'm just going to try to hold off on texting him and see if he texts me and what he has to say. The hard part about this is that I already go up the courage to tell my parents about him. I talked to my mom and told her that he was black because I knew she would be accepting. She told me that I could wait to tell me dad until later. But a few hours later she came to me and told me that I needed to tell him soon because it was "weighing too much on my heart". Ugh. So I told him. He didn't react too much, but the look on his face said it all and him saying, "well you know how I feel about that" and "I will need some time before I react to this". Good... at least he is thinking before totally getting all pissed at me. I didn't want to tell my dad until it was something more serious. For all I know, I took the courage to tell and get my dad all angry and I may not even ever see this guy again. I told my mom because I knew she would be understanding and I explained to her that I didn't see the need to tell my dad until he got more serious. She didn't seem to agree. Ugh.
Saturday evening I spent with my niece and nephew. Along with my brother, we carved pumpkins and picked out the seeds to bake later. Then we just hung out. For their bed time snack, I taught them how to roast marshmallows over the gas stove. That was fun. Then we made s'mores but we didn't have chocolate bars or graham crackers, so we used chocolate chip cookies. They were delicious. The kids ate two and I ate one. Of course I paid for it later when my blood sugar rapidly dropped due to my reactive hypoglycemia. But it was worth it!
Yesterday, I got up and went to church with my family. I regretted going as soon as we arrived. I was tired and in too much pain. I think my previous two days activities had worn me out and I was paying for over doing it. After we finally got home from church, I went straight to my room for a nap. Then I just lounged around the house all day trying to get comfortable and relieve my pain.
Today, I have physical therapy. I am hoping that will relieve some of my symptoms and make my day better.
On Friday, I saw my Psychiatrist. She prescribed Flexeril 10mg for sleep. Hopefully it will help me to get some rest since it is a muscle relaxer and also because it has drowsy side effects.
Friday afternoon and evening I hung out with a friend. We had fun just hanging out and talking and not really doing much of anything. The thing about this is, I haven't really had the energy to just hang out in a while. It was nice to be able to hang out and not have to end early because I wasn't feeling well.
On Saturday, I went to meet this guy that I have been chatting with from a dating site. He is really nice and it was awesome to spend some time with him. I am hoping to get to know him better, but I'm not sure about that. He texted me some more on Saturday saying how much he enjoyed spending time with me and wanted to get to know me more, but yesterday, he didn't seem at all interested in texting with me. I'm just going to try to hold off on texting him and see if he texts me and what he has to say. The hard part about this is that I already go up the courage to tell my parents about him. I talked to my mom and told her that he was black because I knew she would be accepting. She told me that I could wait to tell me dad until later. But a few hours later she came to me and told me that I needed to tell him soon because it was "weighing too much on my heart". Ugh. So I told him. He didn't react too much, but the look on his face said it all and him saying, "well you know how I feel about that" and "I will need some time before I react to this". Good... at least he is thinking before totally getting all pissed at me. I didn't want to tell my dad until it was something more serious. For all I know, I took the courage to tell and get my dad all angry and I may not even ever see this guy again. I told my mom because I knew she would be understanding and I explained to her that I didn't see the need to tell my dad until he got more serious. She didn't seem to agree. Ugh.
Saturday evening I spent with my niece and nephew. Along with my brother, we carved pumpkins and picked out the seeds to bake later. Then we just hung out. For their bed time snack, I taught them how to roast marshmallows over the gas stove. That was fun. Then we made s'mores but we didn't have chocolate bars or graham crackers, so we used chocolate chip cookies. They were delicious. The kids ate two and I ate one. Of course I paid for it later when my blood sugar rapidly dropped due to my reactive hypoglycemia. But it was worth it!
Yesterday, I got up and went to church with my family. I regretted going as soon as we arrived. I was tired and in too much pain. I think my previous two days activities had worn me out and I was paying for over doing it. After we finally got home from church, I went straight to my room for a nap. Then I just lounged around the house all day trying to get comfortable and relieve my pain.
Today, I have physical therapy. I am hoping that will relieve some of my symptoms and make my day better.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Chaos
On Tuesday I went to see my therapist. I drive like 30 miles to get to his office from my house. It takes about 45 minutes. Well, I got there and was waiting in the lobby and he comes out and gets another patient and then sees me. He said that my appointment was tomorrow. Ugh. I drove all that way in pain just to have to turn back and drive home. I don't go many places right now because I am in such miserable pain. I take the trip to therapy twice a week because it really helps me. I don't know what I would do without my therapist support and help. I was so upset and sad, but as we were walking out of the office, my dad knew so he made me laugh. It helped me feel better. Still, it was so frustrating.
I go to physical therapist twice a week. My physical therapist is awesome. I really like that he takes his time with me and helps me. He generally seems to care. Also, he knows when I am having a bad day and will spend extra time working with me if he can. I have a crush on him. I think it is because I trust him and because with physical therapy it is such a close and person job. I have to try him to massage my back and not hurt me. I have to trust that when he is stretching me out, that he will pay attention to my body's cues and my responses to know when is a good stretch or when it is too far. Also, he just has this kind personality. I think this ties into my past. A year or so ago I had a crush on my therapist. He is cute, kind, caring, and I trust him. I think a lot of this has to do with trust. Its weird to get this crushes on people who are authority figures in my life. It makes me feel awkward since I haven't had much experience in dating or whatever. My therapist says that this just makes me human. Everyone has these crushes. I can believe that as long as TV is real. I see this all the time on TV... like make someone having a crush on their Pastor or a student having a crush on a teacher. This biggest thing that I can do is not to act on it. It feels chaotic to me, but it's normal... whatever normal is.
I have these periods in my life where I go from dating a guy or chatting with many guys, to months without even speaking to any guys. On Wednesday in therapy, my therapist asked me if I had been chatting with any guys recently. I said no because that was the truth. Well that night, I started chatting with all these guys. One of my parts (24 years old), texted my ex-boyfriend. Then she was texting a guy who messaged us on a dating site. I started texting this guy from a dating site as well. The guy I am texting is nice and respectful. Right now it is more about getting to know each other and just chatting about whatever. The guys that 24 is texting (including my ex), are just interested in sex. They really just want a booty call. My ex just wants to talk about sex all the time. The other guy that 24 is texting keeps trying to get together to have sex. I am not a booty call! 24 is actually talking about making plans with them. Thankfully my plans with friends, family, or my appointments seem to be getting in the way, so it never happens. It feels so crazy. I am switching a lot because at times, all of these guys plus my friends are texting us all at once. So I text then she has us switch (and I don't really know how) and then she comes out and texts. Then I come back to text, and then she comes back to text. It's so rapid. We can do maybe 3 or 4 switches in a minute. It gives me a headache and I get dizzy and feel so foggy. Yesterday I felt like I was just going through the motions of my day without really being there fully. It was very chaotic.
I go to physical therapist twice a week. My physical therapist is awesome. I really like that he takes his time with me and helps me. He generally seems to care. Also, he knows when I am having a bad day and will spend extra time working with me if he can. I have a crush on him. I think it is because I trust him and because with physical therapy it is such a close and person job. I have to try him to massage my back and not hurt me. I have to trust that when he is stretching me out, that he will pay attention to my body's cues and my responses to know when is a good stretch or when it is too far. Also, he just has this kind personality. I think this ties into my past. A year or so ago I had a crush on my therapist. He is cute, kind, caring, and I trust him. I think a lot of this has to do with trust. Its weird to get this crushes on people who are authority figures in my life. It makes me feel awkward since I haven't had much experience in dating or whatever. My therapist says that this just makes me human. Everyone has these crushes. I can believe that as long as TV is real. I see this all the time on TV... like make someone having a crush on their Pastor or a student having a crush on a teacher. This biggest thing that I can do is not to act on it. It feels chaotic to me, but it's normal... whatever normal is.
I have these periods in my life where I go from dating a guy or chatting with many guys, to months without even speaking to any guys. On Wednesday in therapy, my therapist asked me if I had been chatting with any guys recently. I said no because that was the truth. Well that night, I started chatting with all these guys. One of my parts (24 years old), texted my ex-boyfriend. Then she was texting a guy who messaged us on a dating site. I started texting this guy from a dating site as well. The guy I am texting is nice and respectful. Right now it is more about getting to know each other and just chatting about whatever. The guys that 24 is texting (including my ex), are just interested in sex. They really just want a booty call. My ex just wants to talk about sex all the time. The other guy that 24 is texting keeps trying to get together to have sex. I am not a booty call! 24 is actually talking about making plans with them. Thankfully my plans with friends, family, or my appointments seem to be getting in the way, so it never happens. It feels so crazy. I am switching a lot because at times, all of these guys plus my friends are texting us all at once. So I text then she has us switch (and I don't really know how) and then she comes out and texts. Then I come back to text, and then she comes back to text. It's so rapid. We can do maybe 3 or 4 switches in a minute. It gives me a headache and I get dizzy and feel so foggy. Yesterday I felt like I was just going through the motions of my day without really being there fully. It was very chaotic.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Frustrated
I'm so frustrated and tired and hurting. I just got diagnosed two weeks ago (I think). I don't have regular meds yet. I see my PCP on Thursday and my Psychiatrist on Friday and I have to figure out who will treat my fibro and how and make a plan. I have some liquid oxycodone left over from my gastric bypass surgery (in Aug 2010) that I have been using this last week because I am out of all other pain meds besides a muscle relaxer. It's not ideal, but it takes the edge off for now. So I take it this morning and my pain to a tolerable level, then I am walking and lose my balance and bang my knee on the kids art easel. Pain not only comes to my knee immediately, but shoots through my entire body. how miserable. Now I am once again trying to get relief. I may need to ice my knee so that I don't get a huge knot on it and to help reduce the bruising that will come. I bump into things all the time. I am always dropping stuff. I can't remember anything... even to turn the lights off when I leave the room which I am always getting chastised for. None of my family understands how much fibro can effect EVERYTHING in my life. I try to explain, but they will I am just making excuses. I'm not. I really am struggling and they don't get it. So much of what is gong on with my body, brain, and functioning seems to be tied in with this, but no one gets its. I'm not lazy. I'm not making excuses. I really am having trouble. I try, but I really can't help it.
Miserable
I am so miserable. This pain is way too much. Thinking that I am 25 years-old and that I am going to have to cope with pain for the rest of my life, however long that may be, it horrible. I feel at times, that this Fibro may kill me sooner rather than later. I'm not sure that I want to live like this. I try to be positive but when I hurt so badly that I cannot do anything, it's hard. I don't want this. I didn't ask for any of this and it really just isn't fucking fair. I want a good life. I want to be happy and well. I want to finish school. I want a husband and a family. I cannot imagine burdening a significant other with this, never mind trying to raise children while in this pain. I feel like all of my hopes and dreams have been crush by this Fibro. I have no hope right now for a good life. I'm trying to find hope, but right now I can't.
This is all for now because I hurt too much.
This is all for now because I hurt too much.
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Fog
I have felt from time to time that I am in a fog for one reason or another.
Some of it is due to my Dissociate Identity Disorder. Of course people who dissociate will feel like they are walking around in a fog.
Other times, I think it's because of medications I have been on. Pain medications have really made me feel out of it at times. For the last 7 months, I have been on and off various pain medications, all having their different side effects. Some of those side effects left me in a fog.
Now, I am understanding after doing some research that I am suffering from Fibro fog at times. Fibro fog is what those with Fibromyalgia use to describe how their Fibromyalgia affects their cognitive functioning. I can really relate.
To me, being a fog means going through my day and going through the motions without really being able to process it correctly. I'm tired and cannot focus. I can't always fully pay attention to what I am doing. I forget what I am doing or saying right in the middle of doing or saying it. I have terrible short term memory. I can't remember who I have told what to, so I repeat myself a lot. I also can't remember simple directions. I need people to tell me again and again. I have trouble comprehending stuff that I read. I have to read it, re-read it, and then re-read it again. The fog I am living in is so frustrating.
Even blogging or writing in my personal journal is difficult. Sometimes I forgot how to spell words that I have known how to spell since grade school, and it takes me countless frustrating minutes to get the word spelled correctly, even with the help of spell check and a dictionary.
I have alarms set to remember to take all my medications and vitamins. I had gastric bypass surgery in August 2010, so I have a strict vitamin regiment. I can't remember to take my medications unless I'm in pain, so I have many alarms that go off each day to tell me which medications or vitamins to take and which containers they are in.
Some of it is due to my Dissociate Identity Disorder. Of course people who dissociate will feel like they are walking around in a fog.
Other times, I think it's because of medications I have been on. Pain medications have really made me feel out of it at times. For the last 7 months, I have been on and off various pain medications, all having their different side effects. Some of those side effects left me in a fog.
Now, I am understanding after doing some research that I am suffering from Fibro fog at times. Fibro fog is what those with Fibromyalgia use to describe how their Fibromyalgia affects their cognitive functioning. I can really relate.
To me, being a fog means going through my day and going through the motions without really being able to process it correctly. I'm tired and cannot focus. I can't always fully pay attention to what I am doing. I forget what I am doing or saying right in the middle of doing or saying it. I have terrible short term memory. I can't remember who I have told what to, so I repeat myself a lot. I also can't remember simple directions. I need people to tell me again and again. I have trouble comprehending stuff that I read. I have to read it, re-read it, and then re-read it again. The fog I am living in is so frustrating.
Even blogging or writing in my personal journal is difficult. Sometimes I forgot how to spell words that I have known how to spell since grade school, and it takes me countless frustrating minutes to get the word spelled correctly, even with the help of spell check and a dictionary.
I have alarms set to remember to take all my medications and vitamins. I had gastric bypass surgery in August 2010, so I have a strict vitamin regiment. I can't remember to take my medications unless I'm in pain, so I have many alarms that go off each day to tell me which medications or vitamins to take and which containers they are in.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Tired and Hurting
I'm so very tired. I hurt all of the time and am miserable.
I've had pain my entire life. As a teen I would have pains in my back, legs, and arms. I considered them growing pains. After I knew that I had stopped growing, I no longer had an excuse for these pains. No one ever wanted to here of a 15 year-old being in pain without having had an injury. So, I stayed silent for years.
I would always say, "Hey I'm tired, can we go?" After a while saying I was tired, people got sick of it. What did I do to be tired?
Finally six months ago the pain came and it did not leave. It was here all the time and with no reason. I spent countless trips to the ER, to my PCP, to the surgeon who did my gastric bypass surgery on August 30, 2010, to physical therapy, to orthopedic surgeons, to a pain specialist and I always came up empty handed. I finally saw a PA in the ER and she didn't diagnose me, but told me ideas of what to do and what doctors to see. After checking out things with the obvious ones (gynecologist, urologist, another orthopedic), I made an appointment with a rheumatologist. She diagnosed me fibromyalgia. She said it's up to either my PCP or my Psychiatrist to treat me. She faxed her notes and gave some suggestions on how to begin treatment. That's great.
But, I still feel so lost. How do I live? What do I do? This is so hard and I have no support. I am desperately seeking a support group that meets on a regular basis and also an online support group, but getting on the internet to search can be so overwhelming. There is so much to read and take in and I am simply exhausted.
Today I am blogging from my cell phone while laying in bed. It takes longer, but is physically less draining and not nearly so painful. Sitting up at a desk is difficult and sitting with the laptop on my lap is painful. I never knew a laptop could be so heavy!
I've had pain my entire life. As a teen I would have pains in my back, legs, and arms. I considered them growing pains. After I knew that I had stopped growing, I no longer had an excuse for these pains. No one ever wanted to here of a 15 year-old being in pain without having had an injury. So, I stayed silent for years.
I would always say, "Hey I'm tired, can we go?" After a while saying I was tired, people got sick of it. What did I do to be tired?
Finally six months ago the pain came and it did not leave. It was here all the time and with no reason. I spent countless trips to the ER, to my PCP, to the surgeon who did my gastric bypass surgery on August 30, 2010, to physical therapy, to orthopedic surgeons, to a pain specialist and I always came up empty handed. I finally saw a PA in the ER and she didn't diagnose me, but told me ideas of what to do and what doctors to see. After checking out things with the obvious ones (gynecologist, urologist, another orthopedic), I made an appointment with a rheumatologist. She diagnosed me fibromyalgia. She said it's up to either my PCP or my Psychiatrist to treat me. She faxed her notes and gave some suggestions on how to begin treatment. That's great.
But, I still feel so lost. How do I live? What do I do? This is so hard and I have no support. I am desperately seeking a support group that meets on a regular basis and also an online support group, but getting on the internet to search can be so overwhelming. There is so much to read and take in and I am simply exhausted.
Today I am blogging from my cell phone while laying in bed. It takes longer, but is physically less draining and not nearly so painful. Sitting up at a desk is difficult and sitting with the laptop on my lap is painful. I never knew a laptop could be so heavy!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
My History... Well Some of it...
I was born on January 31, 1986. I am currently 25 years-old.
I have three brothers:
G who is 9 years older - currently 34
R who is 14 months older - currently 26
M who is 16 months younger - currently 24
My parents are still married. I live with them, R and M.
In the spring of 2006 I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Last week, after going through months of intense pain, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.
I will post more in the future about my past, whats going on currently, and what I hope for my future. For tonight, I am tired and ready to be off of the computer.
I have three brothers:
G who is 9 years older - currently 34
R who is 14 months older - currently 26
M who is 16 months younger - currently 24
My parents are still married. I live with them, R and M.
In the spring of 2006 I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Last week, after going through months of intense pain, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.
I will post more in the future about my past, whats going on currently, and what I hope for my future. For tonight, I am tired and ready to be off of the computer.
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