Chaos

On Tuesday I went to see my therapist. I drive like 30 miles to get to his office from my house. It takes about 45 minutes. Well, I got there and was waiting in the lobby and he comes out and gets another patient and then sees me. He said that my appointment was tomorrow. Ugh. I drove all that way in pain just to have to turn back and drive home. I don't go many places right now because I am in such miserable pain. I take the trip to therapy twice a week because it really helps me. I don't know what I would do without my therapist support and help. I was so upset and sad, but as we were walking out of the office, my dad knew so he made me laugh. It helped me feel better. Still, it was so frustrating.

I go to physical therapist twice a week. My physical therapist is awesome. I really like that he takes his time with me and helps me. He generally seems to care. Also, he knows when I am having a bad day and will spend extra time working with me if he can. I have a crush on him. I think it is because I trust him and because with physical therapy it is such a close and person job. I have to try him to massage my back and not hurt me. I have to trust that when he is stretching me out, that he will pay attention to my body's cues and my responses to know when is a good stretch or when it is too far. Also, he just has this kind personality. I think this ties into my past. A year or so ago I had a crush on my therapist. He is cute, kind, caring, and I trust him. I think a lot of this has to do with trust. Its weird to get this crushes on people who are authority figures in my life. It makes me feel awkward since I haven't had much experience in dating or whatever. My therapist says that this just makes me human. Everyone has these crushes. I can believe that as long as TV is real. I see this all the time on TV... like make someone having a crush on their Pastor or a student having a crush on a teacher. This biggest thing that I can do is not to act on it. It feels chaotic to me, but it's normal... whatever normal is.

I have these periods in my life where I go from dating a guy or chatting with many guys, to months without even speaking to any guys. On Wednesday in therapy, my therapist asked me if I had been chatting with any guys recently. I said no because that was the truth. Well that night, I started chatting with all these guys. One of my parts (24 years old), texted my ex-boyfriend. Then she was texting a guy who messaged us on a dating site. I started texting this guy from a dating site as well. The guy I am texting is nice and respectful. Right now it is more about getting to know each other and just chatting about whatever. The guys that 24 is texting (including my ex), are just interested in sex. They really just want a booty call. My ex just wants to talk about sex all the time. The other guy that 24 is texting keeps trying to get together to have sex. I am not a booty call!  24 is actually talking about making plans with them. Thankfully my plans with friends, family, or my appointments seem to be getting in the way, so it never happens. It feels so crazy. I am switching a lot because at times, all of these guys plus my friends are texting us all at once. So I text then she has us switch (and I don't really know how) and then she comes out and texts. Then I come back to text, and then she comes back to text. It's so rapid. We can do maybe 3 or 4 switches in a minute. It gives me a headache and I get dizzy and feel so foggy. Yesterday I felt like I was just going through the motions of my day without really being there fully. It was very chaotic.