Control

Today was a better day. I was still really tired and in pain, but not as much as yesterday. I went to physical therapy and was feeling better. For some reason, the feelings for my physical therapist seemed to have disappeared. I mean, I still like him and want to go there... Not because of a crush, but because he has really helped me. On days when I am feeling especially bad, he will spend extra time working with me. He really is very good at his job.

After physical therapy, I came home and was trying to rest and take a nap, but my ex kept texting me. I kind of told him that I didn't want to be with him yesterday. Then today I told him that I would. Then tonight I said no again. It wasn't really me. It was a part (24). From what I get, it is about control over sex. In the past, we never had control over the sexual abuse that we went through and she was put into a situation that she didn't want to be in and had no control. I think she wanted to control him. Not like hurt him. But like have control over the relationship. He would beg to be with me again and she would keep him going and then let him down. It was weird. Sometimes having DID is so confusing. I want to meet one guy, and my parts have other plans of meeting other guys. We all really need to get on the same page.

This evening my friends came over. I totally forget they were coming until my one friend called to say he was on his way. This Fibromyalgia really has me in the fibro fog. I forget everything. I can be in the middle of doing something and forget what I am doing or be in the middle of a conversation and suddenly have no ides what I am talking about. I have done this more than once: forgotten that my friend(s) were coming over until they called to let me know they were on their way. I have no idea what to do about this because sometimes I want so much to see them, but other times, I am just so tired and hurting that I can't function, never mind hang out with friends, even if it is just sitting in my living room chatting, watching TV/movies or playing games. Its hard. I have a hard time sending my friends away when I feel too sick to be around them.

I am also having a difficult time finding a balance. I am unable to say no to some things even though I am learning that they will exhaust me and that I will pay for it later than day or tomorrow.

This pain is too much. Last night I had another hard moment where I didn't want to be here. Suicide was all I could think about. I had to take a PRN and really focus on relaxing until I finally drifted off to sleep. I thought that my self confidence was improving, but since I have been dealing with this pain, I feel like it is getting worse. I think so badly about myself at times. I get so miserable. I want to stay positive but it is hard.

I think of my future and I wonder: How will I get married and have kids? If I did have kids, how would I keep up with them? Will I ever be well enough to work again? Will life stop being so isolating due to the pain? It's hard. I have all of these questions and no definitive answer. I hate this. I have no control. No control at all. I thrived on the idea that as being an adult, I would have control over my life. I could chose the good and be able to get myself out of bad situations and protect myself. But, I have no control over this. I cannot protect myself against this pain. If it comes, it comes. It fucking sucks.